So, I'm having a bad day... maybe a bad week or few weeks. There's just been too much to do. I feel completely spent, I have nothing more and yet there is always more . I'm exhausted, my head hurts, my heart hurts, and my spirit is depleted. Oh, I catch a few minutes (seconds?) here or there to try to be quiet, to be still. In the moment I can feel a little better but within seconds, it all comes crashing down on me again.
Yesterday during a meeting, I had a moment of panic looking at the calendar. Did I miss it? Did I forget? Did I let that day go by without saying anything to my mom? No, I didn't miss it, how could I? I still have 3 days, 2 depending on how you look at it, and then it will have been 3 years.
This morning, I was looking at the calendar again and there it was, just looming at me. Why does this date mean so much? I miss him every single day so why does the anniversary of his death hurt like this? It's weird. Maybe it's because I've been feeling so spent, so tired, so done that it is making this day seem extra big, extra hard, extra sad. Maybe it's because I wish he was here to tell me what to do. That makes me laugh because in the last years I would have never have talked to him much about it because it would have just upset him.
Maybe looking at the calendar and seeing this day really just gave me a good reason to cry, to let go, to just sink into the way I'm feeling and let it be. Then maybe I can let it go. I have no idea but for now, I'll let the tears flow. I'll rest and maybe even sit. For today anyway, tomorrow my schedule is full again.
This morning, I was looking at the calendar again and there it was, just looming at me. Why does this date mean so much? I miss him every single day so why does the anniversary of his death hurt like this? It's weird. Maybe it's because I've been feeling so spent, so tired, so done that it is making this day seem extra big, extra hard, extra sad. Maybe it's because I wish he was here to tell me what to do. That makes me laugh because in the last years I would have never have talked to him much about it because it would have just upset him.
Maybe looking at the calendar and seeing this day really just gave me a good reason to cry, to let go, to just sink into the way I'm feeling and let it be. Then maybe I can let it go. I have no idea but for now, I'll let the tears flow. I'll rest and maybe even sit. For today anyway, tomorrow my schedule is full again.
My father has been gone for a little over three years, and I don't think I'll ever stop missing him. Those "anniversaries" can definitely trigger our emotions, especially when we are feeling worn out and fragile. Praying for you, Sherri, and so loving getting your daily inspirations delivered to my inbox. Blessings and peace!
ReplyDeleteThank you Martha. Your prayers are appreciated. I'm feeling better. Tomorrow will be 3 years since he passed. 3 years ago today (the 6th) was when I jumped in my car and rushed to say goodbye.
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