My Dirty Little Secret

Depression.  With the death of Robin Williams, everyone is talking about it and it's making me sad.  I just can't read it.  I've quit looking at Facebook because of it.  The death of Robin Williams is so sad.  He brought such laughter into all of our hearts and he will be greatly missed.

But I have to tell you, that the depression comments are too much for me to handle.  You see, I've got a dirty little secret.  At least it used to feel that way.  I suffered from depression myself.  If I try to be honest, which I really don't want to do, I probably suffered from it for 7 or 8 years before I ever asked for help.

I mean, how could I be depressed?  What did I have to be depressed about?  I have a family that loves me deeply and a home and everything to go in it to be comfortable.  So, how could I be depressed?

I was good at hiding it too, even from myself!  I've always been a smiler.  I love to smile and so that

is what most people saw, me smiling.  It's what people heard too, partly because that's what they were used to hearing and partly because I'm a fabulous actress.  Few ever looked behind the smile.

Honestly, there were a thousand contributing factors and yet, few noticed and I smiled through it.  I was afraid if I let people see they would think I was weak, a baby, too sensitive and so on.  I was afraid of ruining my husband's military career.  I was afraid people would say the things above to me, that I had everything!  That I didn't have a reason to be depressed and ... I was embarrassed.

The wars started and so did my husband’s deployments.  I was often alone in a strange place with no family nearby and few friends.  I felt all alone.  Because of the deployments, I often had people asking me to help others going through it too but unfortunately, few noticed that I also needed help.  It always felt good to help others but when I was in need, I would wonder where my help was.

I had many people who loved me in my life but I also had those who didn’t and for some reason, those are the loudest even though they were the fewest.  They are the ones I heard. 

Then one day, when I was in the car alone, I heard a J.J. Heller song, "What Love Really Means."

As I sang along with her, tears streamed down my cheeks. Every time I heard it I bawled like a baby.  I still do sometimes.  It spoke to me.  It was me speaking, me screaming out, me begging for someone to love me. 

I can't explain it but I felt completely unloved in the midst of a family that loves me more than anything!  I did.   I have a daughter and son who tell me they love me and hug me several hundred times a day and they truly mean it.  I know they do!  My daughter tells me I'm "awesome" all day long, every day and yet, somehow, I felt unloved.  It's crazy! It's true.

Finally, I had a friend who had suffered from depression and she recognized it in me and she encouraged me to ask my doctor for help.  She encouraged me for close to a year!  Finally, my doctor offered me an antidepressant to help with another issue I was having.  I of course turned her down and tried something else but when I went back for the follow-up appointment, I asked about it again.  Then she asked me if I was sad, and I couldn't even speak.  The rest of the appointment was just me nodding and/or shaking my head in response to her questions because I was fighting tears.  I was so embarrassed.  I am so glad that I finally asked for help.  I am so glad that I had a friend who cared enough about me to encourage me to seek help.

I was on the medication for about 9 months.  I'm doing good now.  I still have days... don't we all but I recognize them now and can take action to ease them.  I go for a walk.  I talk with my family.  I look at my diet to see if I’m eating too much sugar.  (Sounds crazy but when I am, I always seem to have terrible mood swings that lead to depression.) I pray.  It helps.

Back to the beginning of this post, where I said that I can't read all the Facebook posts about depression because they make me sad.  

Well, they make me sad to think that there are people out there who are just as scared as I was to let anyone know how they are feeling.  

That there might be other military wives out there afraid to get help for fear of hurting their husband's career.  That there are spouses out there feeling all alone during a deployment, far from family.  

That there might be another parent out there feeling unloved knowing that they shouldn't but they do and they can't understand it.  

That there might be someone too scared and afraid of what others might say or think to get the help they need.  

It just makes me sad.  I can't let myself get too into it or I know I'll spiral down myself.

Even as I am typing this I can feel myself turning inwards but I write all this so that you will know you are NOT alone.  So many people suffer from depression.  Help IS available and most people DO understand and want to help you feel better, they want to help you be happy again.  Talk to someone.  Talk to your doctor.  Talk to a friend.  Talk to me.

Unplugged

Yesterday morning, I had an early doctor's appointment.  I always call my mother on the way to morning appointments and I did yesterday too, but as I pulled into my parking space, I lost her.  My call dropped.  I went in and checked-in and sat down, looked at my phone and of course had no service.  I opened my purse to pull out my book and found I had forgotten it, so I sat and waited.  I was there for an about an hour and half or so.  I called my husband on the way the way home and we made some plans for later and then I called my mother back to give her an update on my appointment.  (My finger is still injured.)  As I came into the house, I set my phone down on the couch next to my purse, not in it or on it but next to it.

When it came time to leave for some family time I grabbed my purse and headed out to the car.  As we pulled out the drive way, I noticed that my phone was not connected to my bluetooth... yep I left it on the couch.  My darling husband volunteered to pull back into the drive way for me to run in and get but I passed and said, "No one really ever calls and you have your phone and DD does too so if it's a real emergency they will will call you guys."

This was a wonderful decision!!  I was free!  I was free from social media, email, texts.  I was free from "checking in" everywhere we went and well, I was just free to pay attention to my family!  To just be and it was a great way to be.

We were gone for 8 hours and we had a wonderful time.  I came home and checked messages, returned a few and then didn't feel the need to be on my phone or Ipad or computer.  I felt great!

In fact, I woke up this morning with a smile on my face!  I couldn't help it!  I feel great!  I feel happy.  Because I didn't have my phone, because I was unplugged, my mind was occupied with the live business going on around me.  I didn't think about those things that, if you follow me on Facebook, (you know) have been irritating and frustrating me. It was amazing and awesome.

If it's been a while since you have unplugged, I highly recommend it!  Even if only for just a few hours.  It's worth it.  It's invigorating.  It's freeing. It's good for the soul.  

Faith

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines faith this way:

faith

 noun \ˈfāth\

: strong belief or trust in someone or something

: belief in the existence of God : strong religious feelings or beliefs

: a system of religious beliefs

I've been thinking a lot about faith lately.  I've been thinking about how I see it all around me, the way I see it, or the way it appears to me...  I think of faith as trusting God.  Trusting him to help, to guide, to provide.

I've been at several different churches lately as I've been filling in while ministers go on vacation or as they transition to a new church and I've really enjoyed it.  I always try to take time and look around the  church and see what they have going on and how they are ministering to each other.  I  try to visit some with the members or the people there and it's been really a wonderful experience.

But something I have noticed is the amount of faith they show, the amount of faith they exude.  Sometimes they show much faith!  It's invigorating!

One church in particular, in a small town nearby, had their capital campaign information on the wall.  It was all beautifully mounted and filled with information and photos for the plans. At the bottom of the one with the money information on it, it said something like this, "The excess money we take in above this will go to renovate the property we currently have." The excess! Above!  They were planning on exceeding their goal!

I can't tell you how this struck me.  There seemed to be NO DOUBT that they would raise more money than they needed for the current project!  This just screamed of their faith to me.  How marvelous.  I love that! (BTW, they had $20,000 more pledged above their goal!)  See what faith can do!

In another congregation, I saw a lot of worry and fear. This church was worrying about liability issues.  Now, I know that it is something that needs to be taken care of, but at the same time to always be in fear of or to be worrying about someone getting injured if they allow outside groups to use their facilities or if they have a community event, well, it kind of shuts the doors of the church doesn't it?  What message is being sent to the community?  What image is being protrayed?

I will admit that I don't know much about insurance and such but I guess I always thought that the best insurance was Jesus.  HA!  For that matter I think he is probably the best fundraiser too!  That's probably naive of me, I know, but I do believe that there is a lot of truth to it.  I feel like this (worry and fear) is a great place for faith to come into play.  I'm not saying to be reckless, but to be sensible, be faithful.  Can those two words go together in the same sentence?  I think so.


All of this and more has been weighing heavily on mind lately.  Knowing when to trust God. Knowing when to just have faith and knowing  when to protect ourselves and when to ... I started to say worry but well, when we worry, that's when we need to have faith the most!  That's when we need to let God do his thing!  It's hard to find that balance.  It really is, whether it's in our individual lives or in the church setting but honestly, I think those churches who find it or at least attempt to have that balance are the ones that are thriving.

Life

DD and I went on a grand adventure last week. We traveled nine states in six days. It was great fun. We went to see my son at basic training. It was family day and he got two day passes. He mostly dreamed of eating and of course he ended up with a bit of a stomachache the second day from all of the food he is no longer used to eating. Mostly we just visited and visited and it was wonderful to spend time with him again.

His girlfriend and her family met us down there and we had such a nice visit. The second day, family that we haven't seen in too many years came out and spent a few hours with us as well and it was so nice to visit with them too.

My son looks so good and so strong and he's changed a bit and not at all, all at the same time. He has lots of decisions coming up in life and we talked about all of those and listened as he dreamed about it all the different things that he could do with his life and tried to help him to figure out what the best plan is for him.  

He is doing great at basic training and I'm so proud of him. I only wish that his dad could have gone to see him too but he was out of town for work. We Skyped with him a couple of times which was wonderful and he got to feel like he was a part of it and my son got to ask his dad advice and tell his dad all his dreams and hopes for his career as well.

My sweet daughter and I had lots of quality chatting time in the car on the way there and on the way back. We talked about her future and her plans and her wants for her future. She's only 15 so she's still in the planning stage, well I think we all are no matter the age but it's hard because she's starting to look at colleges a little bit here and there and she's just not sure what she wants to do.

Listening to my kids talk about their future and what they want out of their future really warmed my heart because both of them talked about wanting to have an impact on the world around them, wanting to make a difference. I realize now what an important trip this was. At first I just thought it was going to be this great adventure for my daughter as we have never traveled alone before and then  great fun to see my son but I realize now that it was a really important trip because we were able to show my son how much he means to us and that we will always be there for him whenever possible and it was important for my daughter and I to have this time of bonding and chatting and just really exploring life together.

So anyway this is where I've been for the last week or so traveling with my daughter to see my son. While we were camping the week before,  I injured my finger and went to the doctor today about it finally and it is now in a splint so I'm testing out this whole talk to text thing and hopefully it's not going to be too messy for a blog post.  I hope to be back blogging as usual really soon if this talk to text thing works out okay otherwise it might be a week or two before I'm back to typing easily. I hope you all have a wonderful rest of the week and weekend!  Blessings.

Discouragement

Discouragement... where does it come from and why does it come?  It's crazy.  Often, I think it comes from within ourselves; maybe from fear, uncertainties, or even just laziness.  I don't know but it does drive me crazy.  It can bring me to the brink of tears.  It makes me cranky, sad, mad, unhappy, and well, just plain hard to live with!

So, how do we overcome it?  Well, sometimes, for me, it's just a matter of saying, "God, you can have this.  I don't want it.  I want to do what you want me to do so just take this negative stuff away from me and I'll keep following if you keep leading."

Other times?  Well, it takes shedding a few of those tears and talking it over with my husband or one of my precious kids who are wiser than their years sometimes or with a good friend (which includes my husband and my kids!).  Letting it all out often helps.  Sometimes I have to let it all out a few times before it's really all out though.  

Sometimes?  It's both of these!  Sometimes I need them all in my corner, God, my family, my friends.  Sometimes I need to throw a little temper tantrum, realize how silly I'm being, and then I can move on by letting go.

1 Peter 1:6-9 "In this you rejoice even if now for a little while you have had to suffer various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith - being more precious than gold that, though perishable, is tested by fire - may be found to result in praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.  Although you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and rejoice with a indescribable and glorious joy, for you are receiving the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

It reminds me to have faith and remember what I have faith in and why and how the genuineness of my faith is precious and tested.

John 15:19-20"The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you. Do you remember what I told you? ‘A slave is not greater than the master.’ Since they persecuted me, naturally they will persecute you. And if they had listened to me, they would listen to you." 

This one reminds me that I belong to something bigger and better and that I'm not alone in this.

As I typed that, a song immediately came to mind...

"His Eye is on the Sparrow"

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy,I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

Ahhh... I needed that.  I think I'll just listen to those words for a bit and let them sink in deep, just breathing them in and breathing out the discouragement.  I'll let God have that.

Drop what you are doing!

I read two great scriptures this morning for my devotion.  One was from Matthew 4:18-20  "¹⁸ One day as Jesus was walking along the shore of the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers—Simon, also called Peter, and Andrew—throwing a net into the water, for they fished for a living. ¹⁹ Jesus called out to them, “Come, follow me, and I will show you how to fish for people!” ²⁰ And they left their nets at once and followed him."

The other was from 1 Kings 19:19-20 "¹⁹ So Elijah went and found Elisha son of Shaphat plowing a field. There were twelve teams of oxen in the field, and Elisha was plowing with the twelfth team. Elijah went over to him and threw his cloak across his shoulders and then walked away. ²⁰ Elisha left the oxen standing there, ran after Elijah, and said to him, “First let me go and kiss my father and mother good-bye, and then I will go with you!”
Elijah replied, “Go on back, but think about what I have done to you.” "

In both of these scriptures, those who were called dropped what they had in their hands or dropped what they were doing and answered the call.  The question that followed was "What do you need to leave behind so that you can GO out and fulfill God's call on your life?"

Whew, what a hard question.  I was struck by this and how well, it went with what I wrote yesterday and listening for the call.

What do I need to leave behind so that I can answer God's call?  Hmm...my first thought was personal and more for my personal call... it's those (people, organizations) who hold me back, who don't want me to serve.

But when I think more on it in context with yesterday's writing about his call to love one another, I think of ideas, preconceived notions, prejudices, fear.  We all come with something, have something that holds us back, that slows us down or stops us cold and sometimes we need to let those things go and let God lead us where he wants us, to do what he wants us to do, to love who he wants us to love.  We just need to follow him.  To follow his gentle nudges, his little pushes.  To listen to the whispers of our minds.  It's scary, I'll admit but... in my experience so far... it's been a great ride.  

Are you listening?

Not the same bird but a lovely one none the less.

This morning, after taking DD (darling daughter) to the ballet academy, I came back and took the dog for a leisurely walk around the campground.  As we were walking I heard this bird screaming.  Really, that's what it sounded like.  I have no idea what kind of bird it was but it was HUGE.  It was soaring through the sky, wings spread wide, screaming.  I imagined it was calling for it's children or it's mate.  We had terrible storms last night and this screaming made me wonder if this bird and it's loved ones had gotten separated.  Slowly, other birds started appearing in the sky calling out their reply to it's screams.

During the storms last night DH (darling husband) called several times to check on us.  He has to work a few days this week so we were separated for the storms. It was killing him not to be here with us during the storm and this bird made me think of him and his concern.

It made me think of all those who have survived storms and have searched for loved ones in the ruble.

It made me think of how God is calling out to us, trying to bring us to him, wanting to hold us and love us and how all we have to do is listen for him and answer him and he will fill us.

As the bird screamed and screamed over and over, I imagined it's concern and maybe even panic as it's screams went unanswered at first.

I can imagine God's concern and sadness as his calls go unanswered.  As it often went unanswered in the past.  His call to love him, to serve him, to be in a relationship with him.  His call for us all to love one another, for that love to override any differences, disagreements, rivalries, or even sin.  I want to answer that call to love and work at answering it everyday.  It's not always easy but I want to try every day.  Will you join me?