I started this post Friday night...
I'm trying not to be sad. It's time for me to go home to be with my little family and to, as my mother keeps saying, "start living my life again." It's hard. It's hard to leave my mom. I miss my husband and kids so much but well, it's just hard. I'm the prodigal child. I live several hours away. My siblings are here near mom and I know they will be here for her but I want to be too. Did I say this hard?
Waking up in the morning won't be easy. I feel on the verge of tears already. That hug goodbye will probably break me. Oh, who am I kidding? I'll be crying long before that!
Continuing on Sunday ...
Well, as soon as I got up, I started crying and I cried off and on all the way home. Worship this morning was hard too. It was last week as well at my mother's church.
This morning was youth Sunday at our church. They a great job. It was a youthful service, filled with contemporary music. Several songs gave me goose bumps. I associate church with my Daddy and well, just all my family so it was difficult but at one point the words to a song said, "Though I'm weak and poor all I have is yours every single breath." It struck me. I've struggled with coming home. I've struggled with that "living again." I think I know how hard it will be for my mom and so the thought just kills me when I think of it. It doesn’t seem fair for me to just continue on when I know how hard it is for her.
Friday, I was contacted by a preacher nearby who is also in the guard or reserves (can't remember which) asking if I could fill in for his next drill in November and then be his permanent fill in on his drill Sundays. First, I was excited but then I quickly worried because I need/want to be available for my mom always. I told him I'd let him know next week. I didn't tell my mom about this part of the conversation right away because I knew she would say I needed to get on with my life, to continue living and I didn't want to hear it. But this morning when I sang the words, "all I have is yours, every single breath," I was struck. It was as if He was speaking to me, reminding me. Reminding me to live and to live for Him.
I started this lay servant journey not wanting to preach but to just serve more and then continued on through certification to Lay Speaker because I discovered I love preaching too and this song just put it right there in my face. Every breath, every word it all belongs to Him and if I'm afraid to say yes, afraid to get started again, then I'm not giving Him my all.
I like to think that my daddy was proud of me for following this path, that he was proud of the sermons I've written so far. He was never able to be present for a sermon I've preached though I did video the first one and shared that with him.
I want to think that he would want me to continue, so... Nov. 23rd I'll be preaching and hopefully I won't cry! And as often as I am able I will be the regular pulpit fill on those drill weekends when I’m not needed else where. I think it will be fun to preach on a regular basis, I'm looking forward to it and am getting excited. I guess life really does go on even though it's hard. I can do this. I should do this.